We had some crazy storms tonight. It is actually still raining. I was supposed to meet some friends for dinner about 45 minutes away but wasn’t able to go due to the weather. I HATE driving in the rain. It really is the worst. I get really anxious and I feel like I can’t see very well. Am I the only one? Anyway, both the weather and missing my dinner were really just the perfect ending to a not so good day.
I’m beginning to feel that I’m trying to juggle too much at one time. (This feeling is almost constantly plagued by the fact that I think that this is completely untrue and I just need to suck it up, seriously, I should probably just work harder.)
My day to day responsibilities at school include supervising clinical practicum students, managing my own research, trying to determine publishable projects, prepare research to be presented at upcoming conferences, and teach one class. I really love what I do and most days I’m really excited to go to work and interact with students and clients. However, today was kind of a downer. You see this is the first course that I’m doing 100% of the teaching and grading. Today I handed out a midterm evaluation to my class so I could gauge how they were feeling about it and to se what changes I might make to improve their experience. Now, if I’m being very honest I’m not always as prepared for class as I should be and things are certainly not going as I envisioned. I take 50-75% of that responsibility for this and give the other 25-50% to the aforementioned responsibilities combined with all the “other” stuff (being a person, athlete, wife, friend, daughter, sister, and dog owner!). For the most part I thought class was going pretty well but I don’t think that is how the majority of my students feel based on the feedback I received. I’m trying hard not to take it personally and focus on the points that will actually make my course better BUT I do feel bad, I feel like I’m letting the students down and I really really don’t want to do that. I got pretty overwhelmed thinking about it on the way home and started to think about the amount of things I want to do with my day.
I know that not all of those things can be done. I guess all of this is just a really big epiphany about how I’m still learning about me and how I can best to all my jobs. I’m not perfect and I’m still learning. I’m hoping to practice patience with myself and not beat myself up too much about my mistakes. I am also trying not to compare myself to others who seem to be doing way more than me and rocking at all of it. So I have a lot of balls in the air and some of them might fall now and again. And it is ok.
How do you guys balance all the responsibility? Do you ever feel like you’re only mediocre at a lot of things, perfect at none?